No Room for Misogyny on Murrieta's School Board

By Kelly A. Bennett, Esq., Murrieta City Council member, Mayor and Mayor Pro Tem Emeritus 

Have you cast your vote for two of the three candidates for Murrieta's school board yet? While City Council Candidates get all the attention, of large importance is the leadership of our school board.  Education is the backbone of our community.  The quality of our schools is a key component of your city's economic development - it's what CEO's look to when determining how qualified the local workforce will be and where to send their kids to school.  Poor school districts mean reduced opportunities for would-be companies to expand into our community and provide new job opportunities.  Misogyny is a direct threat to the quality of our school board leadership, that's a significant reason why I will be voting for Kris Thomasian and Robin Crist this election season, and vote a resounding "NO!" for the third challenger, who we'll call "the Candidate."

Revelation of Local Misogyny 

So what does this word “misogyny” have to do with the November school board election? Everything, dear friends.  We have three candidates - two women incumbents who have done a stellar job, and one newcomer misogynist.  We don't have room for misogyny in our school board leaders - there's enough of that to go around in other current "community leaders" so let's pay attention Murrieta.

Quite some time ago I received a Face Book "friend request" from the fellow who now seeks a place on the Board of the Murrieta Valley Unified School District.  I've met this "Candidate” at several community and social events, and he is a likeable, affable person.  He is active in a local community service group has done good work with the Murrieta Field of Honor program.  But imagine my surprise as I perused his Face Book account, and found these posts by the Candidate:

Are you kidding me? How embarrassing...again, I asked myself..."are you KIDDING ME? ?????"  I have two brilliant daughters who came up through the Murrieta school system and my blood pressure rose at the thought of others' daughters coming up in a system with the kind of "leadership" at the helm that would find such denigrating posts somehow..."funny..."

Misogyny has deep philosophical and cultural roots dating back to the thought movements of Aristotle's time, and woven throughout the fabric of world religions. Broadly defined as "the hatred or dislike of women or girls," misogyny manifests itself in numerous ways: Violence against women, sexual harassment, sexual discrimination, and the most prevalent in modern society: Denigration and sexual objectification of women.

The denigration and objectification of women has been supercharged by social media.  Social media is a new powerful tool for would-be politicians and local leaders and we ought to pay very close attention to how and what they post.  A very public diary of often private thoughts, outlets such as Face Book offer many a revelation about a person and their values.  

Denigration and Objectification Through Our Use of Media 

Jennifer Siebel Newsom, director and producer of the powerful 2011documentary, "Miss Representation" asserts, "[i]n a society where media is a most persuasive force shaping cultural norms, the collective message that our young women and men overwhelmingly receive is that a woman's value and power lie in her youth, beauty, and sexuality, and not in her capacity as a leader. While women have made great strides in leadership of the past few decades, the United States is still 90th in the world for women in national legislatures, women hold only 3% of clout positions in mainstream media, and 65% of women and girls have disordered eating behaviors."  

Ms. Newsom's film is indeed thought provoking.  "Miss Representation" exposes how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America.  The film challenges the media's limited and often disparaging portrayals of women and girls, which make it difficult for women to achieve leadership positions, and for the average woman to feel powerful herself.  (To see the 2-minute "Miss Representation" trailer, click here: http://youtu.be/W2UZZV3xU6Q.)

So where am I going with this little lesson on cultural character flaws?  What does that have to do with local politics and in particular, an election for School Board members?  With 48.6% of Murrieta's student population being female, the issue of positive leadership and modeling gender respect and advocacy is of utmost importance. 

But is this "much ado about nothing..."?  Oh, to the contrary friends, this is much ado about a very important something.  That something is this insidious cultural disease of humor-laced misogyny.  It happens right here, in our own community and to our own female leadership.  It's happened to me.  

As Murrieta's first City Council Woman, while serving in elected office I was physically groped in a brazen "power play" by another elected official, (sweaty man-hands feeling up my back side) while we all stood close together, smiling for a group portrait at City Hall.  Oh yes, it happened, and there is a public record email from me, advising Mr. Misogynist that his acts were sexual harassment, created a hostile environment and if it ever happened again, he would be invited to come play on my turf (it's called a court house).  Several other scenarios occurred during my 7.5 year tenure as councilwoman, with two other "good old boys" (another local, another on a regional level). Quite frankly, I was surprised.  Perhaps naively, I assumed we were well past such anti-feminist behaviors. During those incidents, I was no wallflower and did not let them pass without comment.  When pushed, members of the GOB (good ole' boys') club unenthusiastically agreed to some moderate policy changes to prevent such actions from happening in the future.  In one instance, the nearly all-male regional leadership group sat back, in deafening silence and failed to address the injustice and discriminatory acts.  Guess Riverside County hasn't progressed as much as I had hoped.  Wow. 

This post will no doubt be poorly received by many.  Unfortunately, the truth is often uncomfortable, or "inconvenient" as a past U.S. Vice President might say. I'm sure we will hear many protests from the school board Candidate's friends and family to the statements made in this article.  And that's well and good - such protests will be rooted in "intent", namely that the Candidate didn't "intend" to play the misogynist role when he posted the discriminatory, denigrating and sexually objectifying posts about women...he was just trying to be "funny."  The intent argument misses the point:  If there was no such misogynistic intent, the repeated faux pas spotlights the fact that there was no judgment exercised, no recognition of how such insensitive behavior under the heading of "humor" endorses and perpetuates the misogynistic culture and attitudes in the community.  The lack of judgment is astounding.  And that lack of judgment is exactly what we must protect against when it comes to leadership and decision making for our educational system, which directly affects our young women and young men.  

One final point...red flags should be going up for all who peruse this Candidate's Face Book page on another level: A plethora of skewed, hate-spewing politically motivated posts, reposts and comments.  Right wing, left wing, wing nut, whatever you are, being a Candidate for a non-partisan position requires making good judgment calls for our local education.  The messaging in such posts is not the example I want for our community's youth.  Calling the President of the United States a Marxist, well, that may be your opinion but it certainly does not engender the respect for the office I would expect our local leaders to display.  Watch out for this in the posts of other local candidates too.  If a candidate would go so far as to denigrate women and other esteemed office holders, will we be seeing such comments during School Board and City Council meetings...name calling, etc., of colleagues with whom we disagree?  

The ability of leaders and the public to engage in respectful, intelligent discourse has been on the rapid decline for the last decade.  I don't know about you, but I want our newest generations to see what it means to band together in common purpose, while enjoying and opening our minds to what can be learned from those who hold very different beliefs from our own.  That's how we grow, progress and create.  

Vote informed Murrieta, and vote smart.  The future of our youth depends on it.

Murrieta's "Good News" - Youth Court (Good News Installment #1)

Trial in Southwest Valley Youth Court

I was on the bench the other night, presiding over Murrieta's Youth Court.  While waiting for the jury to finish deliberations, I Tweeted about Youth Court and received a lot of great questions. After the recent avalanche of unflattering (and unnecessary) press on Murrieta and the immigration debate, it's time for some "good news" about our fine City.  There are so many great things going on in Murrieta, and the Youth Court program is one of them!

Youth "Attorney" addresses the jury.

Launched in 2008, Murrieta's Youth Court provides a "second chance" for first-time juvenile offenders.  To participate in the program, young offenders must admit guilt and go through the rigorous program where they are "tried" by a jury of their peers: Local high school students, some of whom have committed crimes and successfully completed the program themselves.  Not every offender gets to participate in Youth Court. Participation is a privilege, because after successful completion, the juvenile's criminal record is "wiped clean."  Murrieta Police and County Probation work together to select the minors who they believe would benefit from the program. 

Murrieta Police Cpl. Swearingen
opens the Youth Court Session

After admitting guilt, the young offenders appear before the court with their parents for "trial."  Court is held once a month in the evening, at the Temecula court house on County Center Drive.  Local judges and judge-pro-tems from the Riverside County Superior Court volunteer and preside over the trials.  Local high school students from debate and mock trial teams serve as "prosecutors" and "defense" attorneys.  After opening statements by the "attorneys," the juvenile offender stands before the court and must answer pointed questions from the teen jury and the judge.  The judge has the police records, incident reports and the minor's school records.  After closing arguments, the jury goes into closed deliberations in the jury room, with the assistance of Murrieta Police Corporal Chuck Swearingen (a long-standing youth advocate and School Resource Officer) and guidance counselors from area schools.  The jury picks a foreperson and after deliberating, reads its sentencing recommendations to the court while the juvenile offender stands.  

Youth offender stands to address the court.

The "sentence" is always a "cafeteria plan" of items designed to really reform the youth and prevent the criminal act from reoccurring.  The local non-profit youth and domestic violence prevention agency,  S.A.F.E., oversees the youth after trial, ensuring that they complete all aspects of their sentence. The sentence always includes several months of service on the Youth Court jury, 10 to 30 hours of community service and apology letters to the victims of the crime.  The sentences often include things like jails tours, anger management classes, victim awareness classes, rehabilitation for early-stage drug users, curfews and participation in the Police Activities League known as the "P.A.L. Program" (where the youth engage in service projects and day trips with Murrieta and Temecula Police - all P.A.L. officers work off-duty, volunteering their time).  

The judge may "enhance" the sentence to provide maximum impact.  For example, I recently enhanced the sentence of a young woman who had stolen several hundred dollars of merchandise from a department store.  The young lady (a high school senior) revealed during trial that she wanted to go to college and ultimately work in radiology at a hospital.  I enhanced her sentence and ordered her to meet with the head of radiology from one of our local hospitals, interview them on what they look for when hiring people for their department - and find out how they view a person who has committed the same crime that she committed - then submit a written report to the court on the interview.  The idea is for the juvenile to gain insight on the long-term impacts their crime may have on their lives.

Murrieta Police Cpl. Swearingen
at sidebar with Judge Pro Tem Bennett

Over the six years of Murrieta's Youth Court, we expanded it to include the City of Temecula.  Now the Temecula Police Department works along side Murrieta Police to expand this service to the region.  Now called the Southwest Valley Youth Court, the program enjoys an astounding 96% success rate, and minors are taken off the path of crime and placed back on the path to sucess.  Now that's what I'd call, really good news!



If you'd like information on how to volunteer or donate to the Southwest Valley Youth Court, please email Corporal Chuck Swearingen at cswearingen@murrieta.org.

The Not-So-Sweet Revenge of the Mob, James Bond and the Busybody

From time to time, as matrimonial lawyers we see amusing things.  One of those is watching the sometimes funny, sometimes not, methods of “gotcha” that ex-spouses employ against one another through the divorce and child custody processes.  You know, those little “zingers” people fire off in an effort to one-up each other?  Those shallow pursuits of “sweet revenge”?  One of these tactics is the use of a “support person” to come to court or mediation with a spouse.

Let’s be clear:  I’m not talking about the very disturbing and serious instances of domestic violence.  When a victim is seeking court protection from an abusive spouse, a victim often needs a true support person to help them take action.  In cases of domestic violence, a support person is not a tactic, by any means.  In fact, support people are much needed resources for victims of abuse.  Domestic violence victims need emotional support and courage to get help and get safe.

What we’re talking about here are those non-violent cases, where the spouses have lawyers, and one sees fit to bring “reinforcements” to a garden-variety child support and visitation hearing.  I see this when I’m mediating divorce cases as well:  In walk the in-laws to wait in the lobby and make off-handed comments loud enough for the other side to hear (usually packaged with some nice bouts of stink-eye).  You know what I’m talking about - the domineering mother-in-law who never did like Mary Jane and knew from the get-go she wasn’t good for her Billy.  Or the “new girlfriend” who just has to come along to see what’s going on and what’s taking so long for this divorce to happen.  The new mate usually has a lot to say about the situation and some strong opinions on how things should go.

But perhaps my favorite is when the town busybody shows up.  This is by far the most entertaining of spousal "secret weapons.”  This is the lady who is everywhere, both online and offline.  The one who shows up to all the local networking groups in town, runs the church socials and organizes the PTA bunko nights.  This is the guy who’s always in charge of the tailgate parties.  This fellow is the “it man” in the little league, is a regular at every chamber of commerce event, and has gone through a divorce or two himself (so is almost is good as the lawyer, in his opinion). I always get a kick out of the busybody “support person”.  These are the folks who just happen to think they know the lawyers too, especially the other guy’s lawyer.   It never fails - I get to court, and there he or she is, beaming in all their glory, like a cat that brought the half-dead bird in the house, looking for some kind of warped recognition.

My amusement level was once again peaked just the other day when the sidekick showed up.  It happens every few months.  As I greeted my client at the courthouse, he mumbled, “oh boy, wife’s friend Winifred is here - she says she’s a good friend of yours too.”  As I glanced across the crowded hallway, there she was, a lady I recognized, but couldn’t tell you her last name if my life depended on it.  This was a woman whom I’d talked to maybe a half dozen times over the years.  A recognizable face from town events, but hardly a “friend.”  I smiled to myself, thinking “here we go again.”  And really, it wasn’t so much a smile of amusement, but more of an internal “tsk, tsk” as I thought about my client’s ex-wife and what she was hoping to accomplish through this maneuver. 

Now to be fair, perhaps the “support friend” didn’t mean to be a busybody at all.  But that’s sure what she looked like, to both me, my client, and maybe to the wife’s lawyer too.  Sometimes the “support friend” gets roped into the whole mess, and doesn’t realize they are being played as a pawn in the “Gotcha Game.” Before you send me that hate mail telling me what a heartless, judgmental lawyer I am, consider this:  There is always, always a subterfuge of messages embedded in the act of the bringing a sidekick to court. Particularly where you’ve already got a lawyer there with you.  

I’ve watched the “new lover” sidekicks play James Bond (“Really? How childish…” you might say).  The James Bond sidekicks position themselves on a nearby bench to eavesdrop on my conversations with my client in the midst of hallway settlement negotiations.  I’ve watched as a sidekick “mob” (new spouse, church buddies and friends of the in-laws) whisper to each other while casting icy glares as I talk to the other lawyer about how to resolve matters.  And the best is the busybody sidekick who continually tries to catch my eye to give that “hey girlfriend!” look as I’m going about the very serious business of pursuing a client’s and his kids’ interests in the court.   

In all of these instances, the messages are really quite sad.  About the spouse, their use of a sidekick says they have lost sight of the goal:  To resolve matters civilly, ensure their children have healthy and continuing relationships with both parents, and to move forward with as little harm to one another as possible.  The use of a sidekick to antagonize the other spouse is clearly not about respect or the rare personal ethic of “do no harm.”

About the sidekick, their presence sends the message that it’s about butting in, presuming their friend’s lawyer isn’t enough “support” and acting as some sort of “rescuer” for the “poor victim” friend in the situation.  The best friend and would-be sidekick, is one who reminds the spouse that he or she is a smart, independent adult fully capable of taking care of their private business with their attorney. The most effective sidekick is the one who respectfully declines to participate in the very public handling (courts) of very private matters.  Instead, the most noble of all sidekicks encourages their divorcing friends to listen to their attorney, get regular counseling, do the “right thing” throughout the process and remain kind and respectful to the end.  That’s a role model more kids should have.

And about those attorneys…those lawyers are pretty capable people. By the time they become court regulars, they have gone through more schooling and have exercised more self-discipline and leadership to get to where they are, than most people do in a lifetime.  The presence in court of the “gotcha” sidekick does nothing more than fuel the toxic fire of acrimony in divorcing couples - driving folks further into unproductive modes than onto the healthy path of moving on.

So if you are a spouse tempted to unleash the “gotcha” sidekick on your ex at your next court date, or at a settlement conference in a mediator’s office, you might think twice.  What are you trying to accomplish in the divorce process?  What is the real message you are trying to send?  If it’s a “gotcha,” does that help your kids?  While it may “feel good” in the moment, what does it say about your true character?  Instead of justifying it, think about the very competent (and usually supportive) lawyer to whom you’re paying the big bucks.  Shouldn’t they be all the “support” you need?

We’ve all been there – we’re all tempted from time to time to engage in a good “gotcha”; it’s human nature.  But if we look at the big picture, what most of us want is peace and happiness for ourselves and those we love the most.  The “gotcha” never gets us there. 

Non-Court Alternative:
The Civil Divorce

     For families dealing with separation or divorce, division of households is hard enough.  Add to that the expense of lawyers and stress of a long court process and you've got the perfect storm for financial and emotional devastation.
     Did you know that today, in Riverside County of all the family law cases active before the court, over 80% are cases where neither party is represented by a lawyer?  The recession has hit hard, and divorcing couples are struggling to represent themselves in court through "do it yourself" style divorces.  This is time consuming and confusing, and the family court is swelling with a backlog of cases because do-it-yourselfers don't understand how to get their cases to judgment and finalized.  
     The good news is, there's an alternative that gives families a faster process, guided by a family law professional.  The Civil Divorce is an affordable divorce process we've developed at Mediation Law Group.  The Civil Divorce is ideal for couples who can sit down together to work out a Marital Settlement Agreement, with the aid of a professional mediator, and without having to go to court.  

     Over the years I have been privileged to help many couples find their way to agreement, at less than one-third of the cost of a traditional court divorce, and in a fraction of the time.  The Civil Divorce gives parties control over the outcome of their case.  Why would you put your future, and that of your children, into the hands of a judge who doesn't know you? The Civil Divorce lets you decide on what's best for your future.
     Want more info on this affordable, less stressful process?  Email lstiles@mediationlawgroup.com and ask for the Civil Divorce fact sheet - it will be delivered right to your inbox and you can decide for yourself.

Peace at Any Price?

It's 4th of July weekend - the time of year we celebrate our freedoms as Americans. We celebrate our heritage and our WIN in the Revolutionary War. And what a revolution it was!

You know, as a peacemaker - mediator - I've helped hundreds of people resolve disputes over the years. Often folks arrive at the mediation table ready for "peace at any price" because they were tired out, tapped out and tuned out. But the most satisfying and productive outcomes never happen when we settle for peace at any price. The best and longest-lasting resolutions come when people roll up their sleeves and do the hard work of problem solving . . . the humbling work of reconciliation . . . and the character-building work of finding an outcome that seeks the good for all stakeholders at the table.

Peace at any price? No, that's a cop-out and thank God our nation's forefathers went a different route. Peace through integrity, tenacity and courage? Now that's revolutionary.